Grieving the Loss of Ed

     I have been thinking and toying with the idea of "grieving" the loss of my eating disorder for some time now. I have been curious about the idea, but hadn't really looked into it much.

     With my coaching job over now and having extra time, plus having today completely to myself, I have been realizing how I haven't made recovery a priority lately, and how I feel that I should and need to make it a priority. With that in mind, I decided to read multiple articles today on grieving the loss of eating disorders. Tonight, I decided that I needed to finally buckle down, sit with myself and my thoughts, and attempt to fully experience the loss of losing Ed.

     One thing is for sure, recovery is different for everyone and that means that grief and loss are individual. Another certainity is that recovery is non-linear and can involve steps both forward and backwards. The same can be said about grieving. Here is majority of my grief statement on losing Ed:

- Loss of maintained self
- Loss of protection, identity, and control.
Ed affects my personal, social, emotional, physical, intellectual, financial, spiritual, environmental, and occupational life.
Ed can make me ANGRY at myself and those I love. Even at events and situations that may or may not happen.
Ed can make me lie and bargain.
Ed does serve a purpose in my life. God planned this/knew it would happen.
My life can be full, healthy, and functional without Ed!
Life is more than Ed! Or food, exercise, my body, my thoughts, my clothes, my calories, servings, or anything related. My life exists to serve Jesus and make Him known!

Losing Ed will mean:
- I no longer have "control"
- My eating habits will feel unhealthy at times
- I may increase my risk of diseases
- I may feel alone or scared
+ I will know how to escape obsessive thoughts
+ I will be free to enjoy food and people
+ I can tell the truth!
+ I will experience joy, health, happiness, trust, freedom, and redemption.
+ Jesus and I are on a team and we will win together
+ I will engage in healthier thoughts and behaviors
+ I will help others
+ I won't have wrongful pride, shame, or embarrassment.
+ I will have peace. I will be healthy.

I will learn new ways to think and care for myself.
I will accept myself and my past.

Photo courtesy of the Bible App

My eating disorder is and has been important to me.
I will tell my story. I will move forward.
I am acknowledging the loss of my Ed.
Life will continue.
Ed was one of my friends and enemies and I am losing him.
Eating disorders are ways to cope, manage, soothe, and hide. I will miss some of the things Ed offered me, and that is okay!
Without Ed, my self-esteem will increase and my focus on food, health, and my body will decrease.
Ed is a liar!
Ed is not a solution to my problems and can not fix or guarantee prevention of diseases.
Ed is tiring.
Ed brings loss and saddness.
Jesus brings life.

Exercise and Ed were used to cover my fear.
Ed was something I thought I could control.
I will no longer control myself in this way.
I will accept this loss.

I will address my fears.
I will recognize Ed thoughts and black and white thinking patterns that are un-true or unhealthy.
I do want to be healthy.
Ed has consumed my thoughts, energy, and money.

I was connected to Ed. But not anymore.

I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.

I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every person in the world.