Separating From Ed

     As you may recall, I work in a special education program at the middle school level. I adore the students that I get to work with and feel blessed to spend my days with them at such a fun job. As terrified as I was to begin my time in SPED, I am grateful for how it has worked out (thank you, God!). I am pleased with the students I interact with, how I can assist and watch them develop, and how I have gained skills and insights from this position.      Recently, I just thought of how working in SPED has made me more compassionate. The specific example that I am thinking of involves one of my siblings. This particular sibling has physical and mental disorders, as well as a past history of abuse and misuse of both illicit and prescription drugs. As she was explaining something to me and wishing she could do things better, I reacted in such a way indicating that her best was just fine and that it is great to try harder, but also to not place too much pres...

     For most of my life, I have been taught to repress negative feelings. Feelings of sadness, inadequacy, hopelessness, loneliness, depression. In my darkest hours, I have felt unable to share the truly harmful thoughts with those closest to me. My pain, regret, struggles, and hurts have felt like they were mine and mine alone to bear.      Recently, I recalled a phrase that was said throughout my childhood. "I'm the only one allowed to be upset in this family." Or, "I'm the only one allowed to cry in this family." Substitute upset or cry with other words such as "get angry" or the like. These expressions were not something that caused trauma while I was growing up, however, when I remembered them a few weeks ago, some things stuck with me. Not only were these phrases inaccurate (because everyone can and does have feelings and is actually allowed to), they were also incredibly invalidating. The person who said these things in my life and my hom...

*This post contains strong language that is atypical to my blog.      Sara, Megan, Hayley, Rylee, Alix, Brayenna, Sabrina, Kourtney, Sara, Vanessa, Danielle, Autumn, Jazmin, Karina, Dalton, Brandon, Jacob, Cole, Trevor, Rachel, Cole, Sherri, Kaity, Devon, Zach, Jessica, Courtney, Alyssa, Bailey, and all of the others that enabled you, encouraged you, or didn't stop you, FUCK YOU.      You had a negative impact on my life. You screwed with me, messed with me, harmed me, bullied me, were rude, mean, and unkind. What did I ever do to you besides being nice? I don't understand why you bullied me. You had no good  reason to. Maybe you were jealous, or maybe that's what you experienced at home, or maybe you were so consumed with yourself and how to make yourself seem better that you picked on the vulnerable, the ugly, the nice, and easy targets. Perhaps you were just purely mean, and I believe that some of you s...

A poem about my 7th grade year: Being in 7th grade was fun. I spent a lot of time with my teachers. Sports were pretty big to me. Volleyball, basketball, and track. I didn't have any friends. People were mean to me and teased me for how I dressed and looked. I felt ugly and unloved. I felt unworthy of friendship and companionship. I remember writing poems about Sara, Mr. Bonds, and school. I remember making "families" with Garrett being "Niger." I remember Miley Cyrus stories and Homework Free Passes. I remember Ms. Barsotti and lots of changes. A poem from my third round of 7th grade (with two years of assisting): Pumpkin patch. Loftus. Drama. Running around. Playing games. Back walk overs. Pirates, scavenger hunts, and Hometown Buffet. Music videos. Raps and parks. Times tests. I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more j...

     For as long as I can remember, I have always felt awkward receiving presents. I can recall being three years old and getting embarrassed when I received a doctor's kit for Christmas one year. Maybe I felt somewhat afraid or ashamed (the issues revolving around doctors are for another day), but I remember trying to give my brother the present and my parents said that it was actually meant for me. Image from Pinterest      Last Christmas, my in-laws gave me seven presents. That's right, SEVEN. I'm not even their kid! Coming from a family where my parents would typically give around 3 presents, I was blown away. Who has the kind of money to do that? Answer is: my in-laws kicked us off of their phone plan (which we were paying our agreed upon amount for) the month before, so I guess that is where the money "came from," which is a whole other topic.      Receiving so many gifts in itself was overwhelming. I was not prepared for that man...

     This week at work a classroom teacher said something profound that I had never heard before. What he said was along the lines of "when we choose to pick battles, we need to pick battles that we will win." Many people who are parents, work in education, or work with children use the phrase "picking your battles" to indicate what is worth addressing with students and what is not, but this line was different. He was going a step further to say that when we address a concern with a student, we need to make sure that we will win the discussion by making sure that the feedback is received well, students comprehend the information, and that steps will be taken to work towards a positive change.      While this is great advice for working with kids, it really hit me in regards to my battle with Ed. I have chosen to fight Ed. I have recognized a problem that needs addressed. I understand the steps needed to make change happen. I try to actively work on ...

     I wanted to share about my youth and student ministries event that I hosted at our church today. About a month and a half ago I reached out to our pastor to see if there was anything that I could do for our middle school and high school students who attend the church since our church does not have a youth group. We only have about 6 students who are in this age range so it doesn't make sense to have a group that meets on a regular basis because that would not be sustainable (I was in this situation growing up in one of my churches and it was not enjoyable as a participant, so I would not want to subject others to that!).      When Ryan told me that he had prayed just that week for our kids and how to reach them, we got excited that he was interested in entertaining the idea of creating something for these students. But I also got a little bit nervous since he said he wanted to meet with me! It went fine, though. I met with Ryan and our "equipping min...