Separating From Ed

     The residents that I get the privilege of working with are phenomenal. Here are some of the lessons that I have learned from them. Take it slow and enjoy the sights Be patient Thankfulness is super important Ask for help when you need it Stop and smell the flowers Don't be afraid to say "no" Learn other people's stories Speak truth Help as often as possible Avoid instilling fear Answer the call Make the time to talk Care an immeasurable amount Be friendly Say what you need Remember your past Tell stories Appreciate the arts Take delight in the small things Play games Stay organized If the food is good, eat it Find pleasure in the everyday Keep in contact with loved ones Work hard Keep the faith Write If it goes around, it comes around I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope. I w...

  Created with Canva Signs you may have a problem with excessive exercise You HAVE to workout You feel frustrated or upset if you miss a workout You compensate for food using extra exercise You compulsively workout using a routine or a set time frame You don't stop when you are tired You don't take a break if you are sick or injured You push through extra sets, reps, laps, or miles, even when you don't want to You feel extremely fatigued Your body is begging you to stop, but your mind is telling you to keep going You miss out of social events to exercise You tell yourself you have to exercise or have to workout prior to x, y, or z Other people may comment on your regiment and the rigidity of it People may ask you to stop exercising so much You have difficulty focusing on other tasks if you feel you should be working out You may or may not go above and beyond recommendations for physical activity You have an abnormally low heart rate You lose your period I started this ...

Image created using Canva Signs you may have an eating disorder and why it's a problem: You think about food ALL THE TIME You weigh yourself often or regularly You obsess over calories, macronutrients, cleanliness, purity, content, or food groups You don't really care about the taste, pleasure, or enjoyment of food You freak out regarding restaurants or prepared foods You avoid restaurants at all costs You look up the menu prior to an outing You research the calories, macros, or content before eating out You don't indulge at holidays You avoid food someone else has prepared for you You fear trying new things You skirt around the topic of food OR You conversely are obsessive over talking about food You read nutrition labels or ingredient lists compulsively You feel guilt around partaking in some or all foods You feel weak, ill, or fatigued often You are ill You tire easily and quickly You don't go out as much as you previously did You don't stay out as long or as lat...

     The following is an adaptation of an assignment that I wrote during my time in residential. In the category of Relationship to Self, I was instructed to compose a letter to a friend who was struggling with an eating disorder. Hi friend,      I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. Eating Disorders can wreak havoc on your life. They are nasty diseases; I know first-hand. I wish you weren't facing this right now, and I know that it is hard to go through this, as well as difficult to accept help, begin recovery, and manage life post treatment, whatever level that may be at.      There are always going to be set-backs, bumps in the road, hiccups, unforeseen slips, and lapses. No matter how hard we try and how much we want recovery, the reality is that the enemy has a hold on us while we are deep in our disorder. His goal is destruction, deception, and yes, even death. He wants to separate us from the Father and tries to convince us...

     I've known since I was two years old that I was supposed to be a mom when I grew up. Having a brother almost three years younger than me was so exciting. I was over the moon caring for him, helping him and my parents, and being his friend. He has always one of the greatest loves and joys of my life and has inspired me to parent.      The amount of love that I have for Quin is ridiculous compared to many sibling groups. I love that guy incredibly. We have pictures of me around two or three years old pretending to be pregnant, and embarrassingly enough, a video of my "nursing" my dolls at age four. Seeing my mom pregnant and then having this beautiful new baby were things that I always aspired to be and have throughout my life.       While I was growing up, I never knew what I wanted to be or do when I grew up besides being a mom. Many people criticized me for wanting to be a stay at home mom. In high school, I got told that I would be "...

     Some days, ED gets me down. "You are so fat." "I can't believe you ate that much." "Just look at yourself. That's disgusting." "You used to be skinnier. It was more attractive." "Think of what you are losing out on." These words feel as though they play on repeat over and over again in my head sometimes.      I try to keep positive, but in reality, recovery IS hard. It is a challenge. Like my marriage, I have to work at it, be willing to put in the effort DAILY, if not moment by moment, to manage my recovery, my eating disorder thoughts, and behaviors. It's not easy, but I am getting better.      I like to think that I do a decent job of recognizing much of the progress that I have been making with my eating disorder recovery, but Ed can still find his way in to sabotage my thoughts. A big portion of my recovery has been sharing what I need, how I am feeling, and talking through my thoughts prior to engaging in a dest...

Thinness ≠ Fitness Most people don't know this. I hid it well, I was ashamed. I was truly scared, I didn't know how to do what I knew that I had to do. I tried to reach out for help and sometimes got told to "relax," "keep things in perspective," that I didn't have to worry, and that it seemed like everything was going great or well. I have lived with an eating disorder for the past four years. I would never wish this on anyone. Recovery is hard work, but I am up for the challenge. I thought I could get the help I needed from myself and an outpatient team, but that just wasn't the case. If I had stayed on this track, I would have ended up continuing my eating disorder for who knows how long, possibly indefinitely. Eating disorders are nasty, and no, I didn't choose to have an eating disorder, just like no person chooses to have cancer, a body part that doesn't function, or a stroke. Eating disorders are an illness and should be treated ...

Photos from Amazon      While there are many aspects of residential treatment that I really liked and enjoyed, including individual counseling, group sessions, crazy games of Quelf, walks, so much sunshine, great talks with staff and peers, encouragement, reading good books, like Intuitive Eating , laughing and singing quite often, restaurant outings, "field trips" to get lab work done, hilarious conversations, and lots of funny videos, I have realized that a lot of what I truly enjoyed about my time in treatment was the fact that I was cared for around the clock.  The nurses, counselors, therapists, dietitian, psychiatrist, and medical doctor all took a great deal of effort and time to make sure that I was properly taken care of. Of course there were aspects of living in treatment that I didn't like, such as the inconsistency of rules, people getting away with things that they should not have, and the rules that wouldn't bend, such as not being able to take a sh...

     They say if you've met one person with autism, you've met exactly one person with autism. I feel that this statement can also be applied to those with eating disorders. Eating disorders are individual and manifest differently amongst various people. In fact, even those with the same diagnosed disorder(s) can present quite differently and the paths that got them there are vast. In addition, the journey that each takes towards recovery is personal and completely individual.      I was able to spend five weeks at an eating disorder residential treatment center. While there, I encountered many wonderful women who were influential in my recovery, and what was really neat, is that we were all in different parts of our recovery journeys, yet we were able to encourage each other and spur one another on. The amazing young women I lived with had a variety of experiences that brought them to where they were, yet, the wisdom that each shared from various points i...

A poem about my 7th grade year: Being in 7th grade was fun. I spent a lot of time with my teachers. Sports were pretty big to me. Volleyball, basketball, and track. I didn't have any friends. People were mean to me and teased me for how I dressed and looked. I felt ugly and unloved. I felt unworthy of friendship and companionship. I remember writing poems about Sara, Mr. Bonds, and school. I remember making "families" with Garrett being "Niger." I remember Miley Cyrus stories and Homework Free Passes. I remember Ms. Barsotti and lots of changes. A poem from my third round of 7th grade (with two years of assisting): Pumpkin patch. Loftus. Drama. Running around. Playing games. Back walk overs. Pirates, scavenger hunts, and Hometown Buffet. Music videos. Raps and parks. Times tests. I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more j...

Just because I am okay, I am not well. I am sick. I am struggling. I have a problem. Just because I am working out, I am not perfect. I am not healthy. I am not trying to push my lifestyle on you. I am disordered. Just because I am eating healthy, I am not the best. I am not capable of thinking about other things. I am not functioning properly. My body is burning. Just because I am in recovery, I am not healed yet. I am not able to hear certain comments. I am having to keep and set boundaries from being broken down. I am doing what I need to survive. I started this blog as a mem oir to shar e some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope. I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every perso...

     I have been thinking and toying with the idea of "grieving" the loss of my eating disorder for some time now. I have been curious about the idea, but hadn't really looked into it much.      With my coaching job over now and having extra time, plus having today completely to myself, I have been realizing how I haven't made recovery a priority lately, and how I feel that I should and need to make it a priority. With that in mind, I decided to read multiple articles today on grieving the loss of eating disorders. Tonight, I decided that I needed to finally buckle down, sit with myself and my thoughts, and attempt to fully experience the loss of losing Ed.      One thing is for sure, recovery is different for everyone and that means that grief and loss are individual. Another certainity is that recovery is non-linear and can involve steps both forward and backwards. The same can be said about grieving. Here is majority of my grief statem...

     Welcome to the new "Separating From Ed" blog.      Honestly, I never thought this day would come. The day where I change my blog name to "Separating From Ed." The day where I'd be the girl to be vulnerable and open about my struggles in recovery. To actually be someone who has an eating disorder.      Ed and recovery from Ed have become a more prevalent part of my life recently, and I want to help others avoid Ed's harmful tactics, recover for themselves, empathize and learn for the sake of their loved one, become educated in eating disorder facts, have the knowledge necessary to gain help, seek out resources and professional treatment, and to know that you are not alone .      You see, Ed is really good at making his sufferers believe that they aren't "that bad," that they don't need help or can't get help. Ed is a deceiver, a liar, a cheater, a fun-stealer, pain-maker, people-separator, an accuser, and so many o...

     Encouraged by Jenni Schaefer and her therapist, Thom Rutledge, in her book "Life Without Ed" (which my psychologist recommended that I read, along with "Holy Anorexia" by Rudolph M. Bell) to write my own Declaration of Independence from ED. Based off of the real Declaration of Independence, here is my message to ED:      When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for Allie to dissolve the captivating bonds which have connected her with Ed and to assume a separation and departure to which God has entitled her.      We/ I hold these trusts to be self-evident, that all are given and inherit certain rights by their Creator that none can take away, that among these are Life , Freedom , Redemption , and Joy /Happiness.      Whenever Ed becomes destructive of these or other rights, it is the Right of Allie to abolish It and to institute a newness and Recovery, laying foundation on principles and organizing p...

     Below is a copy of the text from my undergraduate honors thesis, minus the title page, acknowledgements, and table of contents. The Bibliography section is not in it's original format, however, all of the sources used are listed. Abstract Whole food consumption is a topic that is not significantly discussed in everyday culture. Whole foods have positive impacts to physical and mental health as well as to the environment. This thesis will explore the many benefits of whole foods, support a need for change, and persuade the reader to engage in a whole foods diet. This scholarly article will compile vast information from other researchers to examine the current whole foods situations around the globe, provide scientific confirmations behind the need for change, give recommendations for altering present habits, and will confront any pre-existing contradictions. The outcome of this thesis will be a text that is suitable for a reader with or without knowledge of nutr...