"But you weren't healthy then"

     Some days, ED gets me down. "You are so fat." "I can't believe you ate that much." "Just look at yourself. That's disgusting." "You used to be skinnier. It was more attractive." "Think of what you are losing out on." These words feel as though they play on repeat over and over again in my head sometimes.
     I try to keep positive, but in reality, recovery IS hard. It is a challenge. Like my marriage, I have to work at it, be willing to put in the effort DAILY, if not moment by moment, to manage my recovery, my eating disorder thoughts, and behaviors. It's not easy, but I am getting better.
     I like to think that I do a decent job of recognizing much of the progress that I have been making with my eating disorder recovery, but Ed can still find his way in to sabotage my thoughts. A big portion of my recovery has been sharing what I need, how I am feeling, and talking through my thoughts prior to engaging in a destructive or compensatory behavior. Possibly the biggest tool that I learned throughout my time in residential treatment was to be accepting of my emotions, despite their difficulties.
     I know this truth, but it was so helpful to hear it from someone who I trust and who I know cares about me. Recently, I said to Bryant something about how I feel like I have almost gone to the other end of the spectrum of eating disorders, OCD, and anxiety. Instead of caring too much about what I want to eat, how I have to regiment my schedule around eating, and abusing exercise, I now seem to be much more lax, eating plenty of food when I want to because I am hungry and it tastes good and not forcing myself to workout more. Even typing these things out, I realize exactly how healthy my newer perspectives are compared to my old ways. These new paths are completely along the lines of what my residential treatment center was trying to teach, how intuitive eaters behavior, and how people who don't have an eating disorder or problem view exercise, as it should be, healthy, moderate, and never out of shame, guilt, or to harm or neglect one's body.

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      Do you know what Bryant said to me, as I was feeling all of the shame and attempted pity that Ed brings for being healthy? He said, "But you weren't healthy then." That, my friends, rings true and is a beautiful statement on just how greatly helpful he is, how accurately he hits home, how I have made progress, and how I can reflect on how different my life is now from a year ago, six months ago, and even six weeks ago. The change is undeniable. The differences in my body may be apparent to me, but likely aren't to most people, but the best part are the mental, emotional, and psychological changes. I don't obsess over food or timing as much anymore, exercise is a welcomed way of honoring my body and what it does instead of an act that I have to do, I'm eating foods I would not have ate before, being more social around people during food gatherings, choosing what I want in the moment, enjoying myself more, sharing and expressing my thoughts with trusted people, not degrading myself for having a "banned" food or deciding not to workout, and really, just having more peace in my own mind regarding food, behaviors, obsessions, and rules that I placed on myself, which boxed me in. This peace that I have been experiencing is exactly what God called me to, back in March, in my car, while I was praying about what to do with my eating disorder. I knew I could get better, but I couldn't do it alone. The peace I have now is evidence to me of the tremendous progress that I have made.
     He is right. I wasn't healthy. The rules, the non-stop noisy chatter of the Ed voice in my head, the constant need to act on obsessions, the pressure I put on myself. None of that was healthy. I still have progress to make, but I have come so far. Now, instead of feeling guilty for eating something that Ed wouldn't like, not following the made up rules, or being so strict and serious with myself, I am going to try to remember what Bryant said, "You weren't healthy then."

I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.

I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every person in the world.