Separating From Ed

 Ugh. I have ate almost completely from my new, non-exchange, meal plan yesterday and today. I have actually "overate" both days. I feel so confused. Am I doing the right thing? Am I not? Am I overeating? Am I heading in the right direction? How will this impact my health? I am anxious. I think I am mostly anxious about grad school things right now, but the overeating is definitely nagging at me. I feel frustrated, upset, confused, irritated. It's been a night. My doctor today told me I could do some self testing, but my pharmacy is out of the equipment I need. It is frustrating!  Naming my feelings almost always helps. I did that. I sat with my feelings; I still am. I am being nonjudgmental towards them and recognizing that this will pass, but I am not actively trying to get rid of the feelings.  I felt so good earlier today. I saw my doctor, I did the meal plan, I ate a variety and play foods, I have asked for help, I have advocated for myself, yet, the school textbooks

They said that I am semi-starved And what I'm doing is bad for my heart But I don't see it In fact, I'm aiming for the opposite I was ashamed about it On my own, it couldn't be defeated In my future, I'm concerned about diseases But right now this is not what I needed I never wanted this disorder, no Just like no person asks for a stroke Heart failure, diabetes, and GI diseases Yet, some how I feel massively depleted All of these many adverse events, But my main goal was to prevent I hurt myself, others, family, and friends Sometimes I wonder if this will ever end My mind, my social life and my sleep- All disrupted, I need peace But God's called me to it He'll bring me through it I need help from my treatment team When I feel I am walking on a balance beam I hurt, I'm scared, and I'm unsure But with your help, I'll be secure I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate

     I seriously feel sucky. I feel pain, betrayal, hurt, disappointed, and upset. I question what I have done to be received this way and why I am not connecting with other people. It hurts. It is like a major sting into my heart to not be accepted or appreciated. I don't get it. It is hard and conflicting. I just want to feel a connection or some bit of being wanted. I truly hurt. My feelings are coming up a lot today around this and I am sad.       I am trying to explore my feelings, name them, and be nonjudgmental, but it still hurts and it is still hard. I tried to workout in a healthy manner today and it was fine, but I don't think it really helped my mental or emotional state.             I want to be grateful and appreciate all of the other wonderful individuals I have in my life, which I am thankful for them, but I just wish that out of 51 other people on the same path, in the same program as me, that someone, even just one person, would make me feel loved, that I belo