Separating From Ed

Image created using Canva Signs you may have an eating disorder and why it's a problem: You think about food ALL THE TIME You weigh yourself often or regularly You obsess over calories, macronutrients, cleanliness, purity, content, or food groups You don't really care about the taste, pleasure, or enjoyment of food You freak out regarding restaurants or prepared foods You avoid restaurants at all costs You look up the menu prior to an outing You research the calories, macros, or content before eating out You don't indulge at holidays You avoid food someone else has prepared for you You fear trying new things You skirt around the topic of food OR You conversely are obsessive over talking about food You read nutrition labels or ingredient lists compulsively You feel guilt around partaking in some or all foods You feel weak, ill, or fatigued often You are ill You tire easily and quickly You don't go out as much as you previously did You don't stay out as long or as lat...

     This week I had the opportunity to share a bit of my eating disorder story and recovery with my foster daughter. She had opened up to me initially about previously having disordered behaviors, then the following day, she read me an email that she had wrote 5 years ago. She was so vulnerable and open about how she felt in her body.      I asked her if I could come in and then gave her a brief synopsis of my disorder. She was extremely kind and asked if I was hurt by anything she said. We've talked about exercise, too, but mostly food as that seems to be a cause of stressful thoughts and negative emotions towards herself.      Two days ago, we had a wonderful conversations. She told me about some of the things in her past and some of the things that have happened to her. It hurt me to hear those things because no child should be subject to that treatment once, let alone repeatedly, plus the rejection, neglect, and abuse that occurred,...

     Dare.      Vulnerability      Shame.      Silence.      Resilience      Own your story.      Judgment.      Belonging.      Being.      Barely surviving is not living.      The Critic who counts      Normalcy and fear      It's about the album, not the picture.      My story is not unlike others'. Many people struggle with the idea of vulnerability and opening up regarding shame, their past, decisions, or other areas of life. Often, we are closed to the idea of vulnerability for fear of the potential judgment, shame, and silence that can accompany it.      The thought of opening up, being vulnerable, showing up, being seen, and letting others into my stories can rightfully be terrifying. However, as I journalled my way through Brené Brown's " D...

     When I'm struggling and I reach out to my support team, some people have been instrumental to my growth in my recovery. Some phrases stick out in my head more than others, but I also want to include other phrases and realization that so I hopefully can remind myself of them when I have a rough Ed day or moment, and maybe, they will help you, too. What would your therapist say? What would CFD do? It's okay You will have slips, and that is all right. Does this matter in the long run? Is this an Ed rule? Is that Ed talking, or Allie talking? What do I want?       Half-yes is better than no      Is this what I need to be well?     Am I compensating for something?     I have improved I am more capable     Am I acting out of fear right now? My actions of yesterday shouldn't affect what I eat or do for exercise today Today is a new day with a change at a new perspec...

     In my last post ( Be Proud ), I discussed the agony of repressed feelings, the lostness found in being alone, the lack of confidence felt as a youth, and the hopelessness faced through invalidation. Hope is something that we all need in our lives. Without it, we lack purpose and the drive to keep going. A life that ceases to have hope likewise ceases to have joy, pleasure, and peace. It lacks the ability to comprehend that life can or ever will get better. Without hope, we in turn lack the faith needed to push through hard times, get through the struggles, and believe that there is something greater on the other side.      When I felt hopeless against the people (adults and peers) in my life, I wasn't absolutely positive that things would get better, I only knew that I had to maintain faith that it would improve. Yet, you see, faith and hope are not mutually exclusive. Many people have hope without a faith and plenty of people maintain faith, while d...

     For most of my life, I have been taught to repress negative feelings. Feelings of sadness, inadequacy, hopelessness, loneliness, depression. In my darkest hours, I have felt unable to share the truly harmful thoughts with those closest to me. My pain, regret, struggles, and hurts have felt like they were mine and mine alone to bear.      Recently, I recalled a phrase that was said throughout my childhood. "I'm the only one allowed to be upset in this family." Or, "I'm the only one allowed to cry in this family." Substitute upset or cry with other words such as "get angry" or the like. These expressions were not something that caused trauma while I was growing up, however, when I remembered them a few weeks ago, some things stuck with me. Not only were these phrases inaccurate (because everyone can and does have feelings and is actually allowed to), they were also incredibly invalidating. The person who said these things in my life and my hom...

Dear Jesus,      You, Lord, are beautiful. You know when I sit and when I rise. You perceive my thoughts from afar. Before a word is on my tongue, You know it completely, O, Lord. Your ways are always good and always higher than mine. Your plans are far beyond anything that I could ever do for myself. You hem me in behind and before. You created me in my mother's womb and wove me together in the depths of the earth.      Lord, despite knowing all about me, You still choose to love me. You are miraculous. What other god would love unconditionally? All of my faults and mistakes are obliterated in Your presence because of Your blood. Your blood is life. When it left Your body, it made me new, whole, and clean. Lord, my God, I can't thank You enough.      You are powerful and mighty, Lord. You are good. You are strong, holy, and worthy to be praised. Nothing I could ever do or not do makes You love me any more or any less. You love me as I ...

Thinness ≠ Fitness Most people don't know this. I hid it well, I was ashamed. I was truly scared, I didn't know how to do what I knew that I had to do. I tried to reach out for help and sometimes got told to "relax," "keep things in perspective," that I didn't have to worry, and that it seemed like everything was going great or well. I have lived with an eating disorder for the past four years. I would never wish this on anyone. Recovery is hard work, but I am up for the challenge. I thought I could get the help I needed from myself and an outpatient team, but that just wasn't the case. If I had stayed on this track, I would have ended up continuing my eating disorder for who knows how long, possibly indefinitely. Eating disorders are nasty, and no, I didn't choose to have an eating disorder, just like no person chooses to have cancer, a body part that doesn't function, or a stroke. Eating disorders are an illness and should be treated ...

     They say if you've met one person with autism, you've met exactly one person with autism. I feel that this statement can also be applied to those with eating disorders. Eating disorders are individual and manifest differently amongst various people. In fact, even those with the same diagnosed disorder(s) can present quite differently and the paths that got them there are vast. In addition, the journey that each takes towards recovery is personal and completely individual.      I was able to spend five weeks at an eating disorder residential treatment center. While there, I encountered many wonderful women who were influential in my recovery, and what was really neat, is that we were all in different parts of our recovery journeys, yet we were able to encourage each other and spur one another on. The amazing young women I lived with had a variety of experiences that brought them to where they were, yet, the wisdom that each shared from various points i...

Just because I am okay, I am not well. I am sick. I am struggling. I have a problem. Just because I am working out, I am not perfect. I am not healthy. I am not trying to push my lifestyle on you. I am disordered. Just because I am eating healthy, I am not the best. I am not capable of thinking about other things. I am not functioning properly. My body is burning. Just because I am in recovery, I am not healed yet. I am not able to hear certain comments. I am having to keep and set boundaries from being broken down. I am doing what I need to survive. I started this blog as a mem oir to shar e some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope. I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every perso...

     Here is a list of some of the lies that I need to stop telling myself and believing. Ed is very deceitful, and unless I remember his wickedness, I all too often fall into his traps. I hope this may encourage someone else as they begin to realize Ed's lies and cruel ways. I'm not pretty enough I'm not thin enough I'm not the right shape I'm not the right size (is there such a thing?) Ed makes me healthy (biggest lie!) Ed helps me  I don't mind not eating what other people eat I feel in control (lie- Ed is in control right now) I am healthy ______ food is healthy ______ food is not healthy ______ food is good/bad Food should be used as fuel (true, but should not be taken to the extreme) I HAVE to exercise I will get fat I am fat I don't mind Ed I am treating myself right What is correct for most people, is right for me (I am individual and not everything applies to me that works for majority of people!) Ed is telling me the truth ...

        I absolutely can not fight Ed on my own and win. It would be foolish to think that I could, when in reality, I would fall flat on my face and honestly, I may not be here. I have come to realize that if I examine and reframe my/Ed's thoughts to be ones of how I would treat someone else or how Jesus would treat me, I have a more gentle approach towards myself.      I am also trying to reframe my ideas around specific food items. As someone who LOVES to give advice when it is warranted and requested, I have begun to try to reframe my thoughts and ideas about food. I have started to ask myself if the lies that Ed tells me about a certain food (______ will make you _____, ________ is a treat and you don't ______ it, or the like) are the truth and if I would in good conscience share that advice with someone else. As someone who cares (maybe too much) about people in general and as a Christian with a strong moral compass, I would never intentional...

     Back in August I made a post titled " What Not to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder ." After thinking about it and wanting to write this post for a while, I am sharing now what I DO want to hear, and sometimes need to hear while fighting my eating disorder.      Sometimes I may know things in my head, but not truly believe them or give myself permission to do them unless someone else says it to me. From a logical, non-ED viewpoint, this seems silly. I should believe myself, but often, I don't. I struggle with what is true and not true, with what is right or wrong, what I should do or shouldn't do. While the list of things that I don't want to hear seems fairly large (and could probably be infinite), the list of things that I do want to hear feels relatively short. You are doing what is right Is this what you need to be well/healthy? How can I support you? I want to help. How can I? Hang in there Do what you need to be well I always wan...

     This week at work a classroom teacher said something profound that I had never heard before. What he said was along the lines of "when we choose to pick battles, we need to pick battles that we will win." Many people who are parents, work in education, or work with children use the phrase "picking your battles" to indicate what is worth addressing with students and what is not, but this line was different. He was going a step further to say that when we address a concern with a student, we need to make sure that we will win the discussion by making sure that the feedback is received well, students comprehend the information, and that steps will be taken to work towards a positive change.      While this is great advice for working with kids, it really hit me in regards to my battle with Ed. I have chosen to fight Ed. I have recognized a problem that needs addressed. I understand the steps needed to make change happen. I try to actively work on ...

     Throughout my short time in recovery, I have been given many challenges to work on. Some of these challenges have been very easy to do and implement, and a few have been much more challenging, or even impossible for me at the time, with some challenges falling in between these two categories. Some of my challenges have included: eating a food based on taste, not nutritional quality trying exposure therapy to a fear food incorporating a forbidden food twice a week incorporating a forbidden food four times in one week not weighing myself journaling my thoughts versus Ed's thoughts journaling my thoughts, Ed's thoughts, and Jesus' input creating a support team stopping exercise eating from a food plan reading Ed materials acknowledging Ed thoughts and behaviors telling my husband more about Ed thoughts What I realized this weekend is that it is not myself who has falling short and failing certain challenges, but rather, it is Ed failing to rise up to a...

     Many people are fans of the ketogenic, or "keto," diet which is characterized by consuming a low amount of carbohydrates and a high amount of fat. I'm calling out keto because it is a popular, current, and trendy diet, but honestly, any "diet," any weight loss program that promotes losing weight in an unhealthy manner by eliminating a food group, is at fault here. I want to help examine these fads and so that you can learn how to read closely for yourself to avoid potential harm.      The keto diet is backed in the idea that consuming a small amount of carbohydrates will increase or promote weight loss. The phrase "low carbohydrates" can vary in amount depending on the individual, but typically, less than 50 grams per day is what those who subscribe to the keto diet aim for. In more extreme cases, 20-30 grams, or even eliminating carbohydrates altogether, is the goal.      But what is a carb? A carbohydrate is one of three energy...

     I won't say that my mom "caused" my eating disorder for a variety of reasons. 1) that is unfair to point blame to one source, namely one person, 2) cause is a loaded word and there are multiple models that point to how one develops an eating disorder, 3) I honestly don't believe that she did. There are other reasons why I don't believe my mom caused my ED, though. For starters and the most obvious to me, I began my habits out of a desire to be healthier, not out of spite for my mother, longing for redemption or love, a lack of affection in childhood, a desire for thinness, or anything else. My motive was "pure" in nature, I however, due to a variety of factors, took this to the extreme, which is what lead me down the road to destruction of Ed.      I will say, though, that in general, our mothers do help to create a mentality of weight preoccupation, obsession, and focus, at least in the Western world and certain developed countries. Women are par...