Be Proud
For most of my life, I have been taught to repress negative feelings. Feelings of sadness, inadequacy, hopelessness, loneliness, depression. In my darkest hours, I have felt unable to share the truly harmful thoughts with those closest to me. My pain, regret, struggles, and hurts have felt like they were mine and mine alone to bear.
Recently, I recalled a phrase that was said throughout my childhood. "I'm the only one allowed to be upset in this family." Or, "I'm the only one allowed to cry in this family." Substitute upset or cry with other words such as "get angry" or the like. These expressions were not something that caused trauma while I was growing up, however, when I remembered them a few weeks ago, some things stuck with me. Not only were these phrases inaccurate (because everyone can and does have feelings and is actually allowed to), they were also incredibly invalidating. The person who said these things in my life and my home likely meant no harm in them, in fact, it was probably said in jest. Yet, the lingering feelings that pop up scream at me, "You are not allowed!"
It was simply enough to tell us (my siblings and I) that we weren't allowed to be upset, cry, be mad, or feel other negative things, but it was taken even further to in fact limit what was permitted. Positive feelings were then implied as the only allowed emotions in our family and household. While it may seem nice in gesture, it has actually proven to be damaging, not just to myself, but my siblings as well.
You see, growing up, the negative feelings were repressed. I remember crying one evening at home, hysterical, because my parents were telling me that I had to do something that I really did not feel comfortable doing. One of my parents walked in the front door, heard me sobbing, came in, and made the whole scene about themselves. "I thought someone had died," was the exclamation I heard. While it is true that perhaps I was overreacting, I felt cornered, pressured, into performing for my parents when I knew it was not something that would be healthy for me. I trusted my own body and mind to know my limits, but they were not respected, and ultimately, nearly poked fun of and made to seem invalid. If no one died, why cry? What's the purpose in crying was the message that I received. Why bother crying, it won't do any good.
All of these memories, feelings, and emotions lately, along with my eating disorder recovery have made me realize a few things. Notably, I had never truly been proud of myself. I faked confidence throughout my life by putting on a smile, pretending to be brave, and outwardly acting as if I wasn't hurt and everything was fine. In reality, you'd know that wasn't true if you took the time to get to know me, my thoughts, and feelings while I was growing up (take a look at my letter to my bullies). I went through seasons of doubt, discouragement, bullying, harassment, abuse, and horrendous thoughts, but since I was taught to repress the darkness in my life, "fake it 'til you make it," and pretend that everything was fine, I never really experienced joy or pride. In fact, pride was often associated as "wrong" in my eyes.
Pride can be bad, don't get me wrong, but in my case, I viewed my success, achievements, and confidence in the lens of "I'm not worthy," not believing in myself and abilities, and mostly, not wanting to come off as rude or conceited. I know that Christians are often giving difficulties for being hypocritical, as in, "You say you aren't perfect, but you don't accept me." While this is true in some situations, I don't feel as though I every didn't accept anyone. However, this stigmatization was so great within my mind that it paralyzed me. Leaving me feeling alone in my sorrow, hopeless for better days, and without self-pride, I began to slowly spiral into defeat.
This cycle lasted for years. Now, as a capable adult who is able to recognize narcissism, harm, invalidation, and other wounds, and even more importantly, one who is able to process and share them as it reveals new insights, I am able to acknowledge my abilities, the progress that I have made, the peace and joy that has been revealed to me, and the sources of all of my feelings. I am able to be non-judgmental when I have feelings, whatever they may be. I can see portions of how far I have come in my recovery, not only in the matters of being less harsh and not listening to my eating disordered self as much, but also to how I have grown as a person, wife, sibling, daughter, educator, and an advocate.
In the future, I see myself continuing to help other people as I help myself. I desire for the people in this world, especially our young people, to know and be okay with themselves, their bodies, and their feelings. We are all worthy of having emotions and allowing ourselves to fully feel them, both the prideful ones and the negative ones, is a right that can lead to many open doors, opportunities, and realizations that can promote healing and health.
I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.
Recently, I recalled a phrase that was said throughout my childhood. "I'm the only one allowed to be upset in this family." Or, "I'm the only one allowed to cry in this family." Substitute upset or cry with other words such as "get angry" or the like. These expressions were not something that caused trauma while I was growing up, however, when I remembered them a few weeks ago, some things stuck with me. Not only were these phrases inaccurate (because everyone can and does have feelings and is actually allowed to), they were also incredibly invalidating. The person who said these things in my life and my home likely meant no harm in them, in fact, it was probably said in jest. Yet, the lingering feelings that pop up scream at me, "You are not allowed!"
It was simply enough to tell us (my siblings and I) that we weren't allowed to be upset, cry, be mad, or feel other negative things, but it was taken even further to in fact limit what was permitted. Positive feelings were then implied as the only allowed emotions in our family and household. While it may seem nice in gesture, it has actually proven to be damaging, not just to myself, but my siblings as well.
You see, growing up, the negative feelings were repressed. I remember crying one evening at home, hysterical, because my parents were telling me that I had to do something that I really did not feel comfortable doing. One of my parents walked in the front door, heard me sobbing, came in, and made the whole scene about themselves. "I thought someone had died," was the exclamation I heard. While it is true that perhaps I was overreacting, I felt cornered, pressured, into performing for my parents when I knew it was not something that would be healthy for me. I trusted my own body and mind to know my limits, but they were not respected, and ultimately, nearly poked fun of and made to seem invalid. If no one died, why cry? What's the purpose in crying was the message that I received. Why bother crying, it won't do any good.
All of these memories, feelings, and emotions lately, along with my eating disorder recovery have made me realize a few things. Notably, I had never truly been proud of myself. I faked confidence throughout my life by putting on a smile, pretending to be brave, and outwardly acting as if I wasn't hurt and everything was fine. In reality, you'd know that wasn't true if you took the time to get to know me, my thoughts, and feelings while I was growing up (take a look at my letter to my bullies). I went through seasons of doubt, discouragement, bullying, harassment, abuse, and horrendous thoughts, but since I was taught to repress the darkness in my life, "fake it 'til you make it," and pretend that everything was fine, I never really experienced joy or pride. In fact, pride was often associated as "wrong" in my eyes.
Pride can be bad, don't get me wrong, but in my case, I viewed my success, achievements, and confidence in the lens of "I'm not worthy," not believing in myself and abilities, and mostly, not wanting to come off as rude or conceited. I know that Christians are often giving difficulties for being hypocritical, as in, "You say you aren't perfect, but you don't accept me." While this is true in some situations, I don't feel as though I every didn't accept anyone. However, this stigmatization was so great within my mind that it paralyzed me. Leaving me feeling alone in my sorrow, hopeless for better days, and without self-pride, I began to slowly spiral into defeat.This cycle lasted for years. Now, as a capable adult who is able to recognize narcissism, harm, invalidation, and other wounds, and even more importantly, one who is able to process and share them as it reveals new insights, I am able to acknowledge my abilities, the progress that I have made, the peace and joy that has been revealed to me, and the sources of all of my feelings. I am able to be non-judgmental when I have feelings, whatever they may be. I can see portions of how far I have come in my recovery, not only in the matters of being less harsh and not listening to my eating disordered self as much, but also to how I have grown as a person, wife, sibling, daughter, educator, and an advocate.
In the future, I see myself continuing to help other people as I help myself. I desire for the people in this world, especially our young people, to know and be okay with themselves, their bodies, and their feelings. We are all worthy of having emotions and allowing ourselves to fully feel them, both the prideful ones and the negative ones, is a right that can lead to many open doors, opportunities, and realizations that can promote healing and health.
I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.
I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every person in the world.
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