Bullies

*This post contains strong language that is atypical to my blog.







































     Sara, Megan, Hayley, Rylee, Alix, Brayenna, Sabrina, Kourtney, Sara, Vanessa, Danielle, Autumn, Jazmin, Karina, Dalton, Brandon, Jacob, Cole, Trevor, Rachel, Cole, Sherri, Kaity, Devon, Zach, Jessica, Courtney, Alyssa, Bailey, and all of the others that enabled you, encouraged you, or didn't stop you,

FUCK YOU.

     You had a negative impact on my life. You screwed with me, messed with me, harmed me, bullied me, were rude, mean, and unkind. What did I ever do to you besides being nice? I don't understand why you bullied me. You had no good reason to. Maybe you were jealous, or maybe that's what you experienced at home, or maybe you were so consumed with yourself and how to make yourself seem better that you picked on the vulnerable, the ugly, the nice, and easy targets. Perhaps you were just purely mean, and I believe that some of you still are to this day.

     You picked on me at a young age. I was smart. You maybe felt threatened or combative. I was a teacher's pet, and you didn't like that. What the fuck is wrong with being nice to an adult? Maybe you didn't have adults in your life that were compassionate back to you, and if you didn't, I am so sorry. That sucks and isn't right. But neither were your comments or bullying.

      In fifth grade, you turned the lights out on me in the bathroom. You were insensitive if I liked someone. You didn't invite me over or spend time with me outside of school. By sixth grade, you were doing the same things, but only more. You told me that I couldn't be friends with you, that I wasn't good enough to be your friend or in your friend group, and that I could be friends with your dead pets. That was 100% not okay. How would you feel if someone said that to you? You always told me to take a joke, but I don't think you were joking.

     In middle school, I was too ugly. I didn't have nice teeth, and you let me know that. I developed a little quicker than some and got teased for that. Who looks at someone else's bra to find out the size and then tells other people? I got called fat, that I couldn't see my toes, when in reality, I was pretty thin and very healthy. Thanks for screwing me up.

     To those of you who never directly said anything harmful to me, screw you, too. You stood by idly while your "friends" were mean to me. You could have stood up, you could have stopped this, or at least tried, but you didn't. You were loyal to your friends, but never chose to side with the underdog or practice citizenship, respect, responsibility, or even act out your faith, if you really had one, which is so sad to me. You could have been a light and shined brighter than acts of bullying, but did you? No.

     On the bus, you were mean. In the locker room, on the court, in the dugout, the hallway, and pretty much everywhere you could be. You were unkind, forgot about me, put me in harm, and didn't help me get out. Even some of the adults didn't seem to care about your actions. You hit be with a lacrosse stick, you barked at me for getting water. What the fuck? You aren't and weren't the boss of me, so what made you think that you were? You were entitled, controlling, domineering, and honestly, a lot of you were just bitches most of the time.

     You didn't want me to eat lunch with you, or you didn't want to eat lunch with me. I wasn't invited to any of your birthday parties, I never was asked to spend time with you outside of school, you got me into trouble sometimes for WANTING to be with you. You bullied me to make me feel bad, but in all reality, I should have never given you that power. Unfortunately, as a child, I didn't know how to stop that. In fact, this plagues me to this day. I don't understand how or why, but clearly, this is still a problem that I experience. Thankfully, I don't think about you all very often, but when I do, there is anger, but mostly sadness. Sadness for the little girl who did NOTHING wrong, yet, was still teased all of the time. The girl who was kind, great at school, fun, and decent at sports got teased for anything and everything. It was lonely. There is resentment, for sure. I know that sometimes I think of you and get mad, and sometimes I think of you and am just so glad and so relieved that I don't have to see you or spend time with you anymore. 13 years of the same people got fucking old very fast.

     I guess what I am trying to say is goodbye to that chapter of my life. I don't want to think about these things or be plagued by the memories any more. If that means not returning to my childhood home or totally removing my social presence, I may have to do that. You all were evil, like monsters to me. I feel confused and warped by your presence in my life. You taught me to shut up and repress. You also made fun of me for being mad at you. What the heck? At the same time, I want to embrace it as a part of me.

     I realize that this part of my life is part of my story that I can not exclude, but I want you to know that as an adult, you have no power over me any longer, and I truly hope that you have changed your ways. Being inconsiderate doesn't get you far in life. Neither does cheating, stealing, spreading lies, rumors, being hurtful, or abusive. I hope that you are better now, but at the same time, I don't think I could ever be friends with you. You hurt me too much, too often, and too hard. The one good thing that came out of all of this is that I appreciate my TRUE friends, the ones who actually love and care for me, so much more than I think I would have if you were kinder to me growing up. I am allowed to feel this way about you, but I think most of the time, I brush it off and play it like a joke. Maybe I didn't have the tools, resources, and supports that I needed to overcome your crap and not take it personally, but child-me had no way of acquiring those skills. They say people do the best that they can, and now that I have those skills, I am going to do better. I just haven't figured out exactly how yet. I know that I will do the following, though: feel my feelings, name my feelings, seek out professional and personal help, meditate, pray, talk about this a little bit more with trusted individuals, be grateful, continue to stand up, journal, allow myself to be upset or whatever else I may feel because my feelings are real and valid, and encourage myself to lean into the love that I have already surrounding me.

     I don't want to harbor resentment, and thankfully, I don't think about you often. You were rude and mean. I'd love if there was justice, but I don't think there will be. You've made me recognize how prevalent bullying and hurtful comments are, which makes me stand up for and side with those who are being bullied, but I don't think you will ever change. I don't think you realize how hurtful you were or are, but even if you did, would you alter your actions? Probably not. A lifetime of habits is a lot to change, but my hope is that if you recognize the pain that you cost, you would be sorry.

I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.

I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every person in the world.

*While this post is not my typical writing, it was important for me to get some thoughts out of my head and to do this as part of an assignment towards healing.