Thinness ≠ Fitness
Thinness ≠ Fitness
Most people don't know this. I hid it well, I was ashamed. I was truly scared, I didn't know how to do what I knew that I had to do. I tried to reach out for help and sometimes got told to "relax," "keep things in perspective," that I didn't have to worry, and that it seemed like everything was going great or well.
I have lived with an eating disorder for the past four years. I would never wish this on anyone. Recovery is hard work, but I am up for the challenge. I thought I could get the help I needed from myself and an outpatient team, but that just wasn't the case. If I had stayed on this track, I would have ended up continuing my eating disorder for who knows how long, possibly indefinitely.
Eating disorders are nasty, and no, I didn't choose to have an eating disorder, just like no person chooses to have cancer, a body part that doesn't function, or a stroke. Eating disorders are an illness and should be treated as such. Sometimes it takes a variety of approaches to figure out the best path to recovery for each individual, and it is important to know that even people with the same diagnosed E.D. can present very differently for a variety of reasons.
Looking back to a mere few months ago, I was so genuinely not okay. The reason that I have chosen to keep a few pictures from this time period is so I can compare and remember exactly how fake I felt and how unhealthy I was in many aspects. I was extremely unhealthy, not only mentally and physically, but emotionally and socially. I was preoccupied and worried over 90% of my day. I lost some of my abilities to focus, be pleasant, concentrate, and even sleep. Our bodies are remarkable things that work very diligently to maintain homeostasis. I kept telling myself that if x, y, or z happened, then I would know that it was bad or that my eating disorder had gotten out of control. But x, y, and z never happened. Sure, I had a multitude of other symptoms, but the voice of my eating disorder was strong in my head and convinced me that it was enough to seek more help and that the symptoms were good signs or not a red flag.
Today, I am more at peace. I am grateful for the experiences that I have had throughout my ED. These experiences have taught me so much, allowed me to grow and learn, empathize better, discover more about myself, listen to my body and desires, honor them, accept my emotions, and handle situations with less anxiety and frustration. I was so blessed with people like my therapists, RD, and friends that I met in treatment, as well as many, many others, who continue to support me in my journey towards recovery. God has allowed me to have multiple victories, rather than being infinitely stuck in a potentially fatal disease.
There are probably an endless amount of words that I could say regarding EDs, treatment, therapy, recovery, how I was doing prior, how I still don't get it right and have progress to make, how this disease is terrible, and how grateful I am for the journey that I have been on thus far. I don't think most people understand eating disorders, and that is okay with me because I don't believe you can ever fully understand it unless you have been me, and even then, you would only have my perspective, not the millions of others who suffer from eating disorders (often also in silence). What I ask for instead of understanding is acceptance. Accept me for where I was, where I am, and encourage me for where I am going. It can get better and I know and believe that wholeheartedly for myself and others afflicted with EDs. Accept those who are struggling and recognize that you won't understand, and that is okay. Offer help, ask how you can support, and be willing to listen and have hard conversations.
Most people don't know this. I hid it well, I was ashamed. I was truly scared, I didn't know how to do what I knew that I had to do. I tried to reach out for help and sometimes got told to "relax," "keep things in perspective," that I didn't have to worry, and that it seemed like everything was going great or well.
I have lived with an eating disorder for the past four years. I would never wish this on anyone. Recovery is hard work, but I am up for the challenge. I thought I could get the help I needed from myself and an outpatient team, but that just wasn't the case. If I had stayed on this track, I would have ended up continuing my eating disorder for who knows how long, possibly indefinitely.
Eating disorders are nasty, and no, I didn't choose to have an eating disorder, just like no person chooses to have cancer, a body part that doesn't function, or a stroke. Eating disorders are an illness and should be treated as such. Sometimes it takes a variety of approaches to figure out the best path to recovery for each individual, and it is important to know that even people with the same diagnosed E.D. can present very differently for a variety of reasons.
Looking back to a mere few months ago, I was so genuinely not okay. The reason that I have chosen to keep a few pictures from this time period is so I can compare and remember exactly how fake I felt and how unhealthy I was in many aspects. I was extremely unhealthy, not only mentally and physically, but emotionally and socially. I was preoccupied and worried over 90% of my day. I lost some of my abilities to focus, be pleasant, concentrate, and even sleep. Our bodies are remarkable things that work very diligently to maintain homeostasis. I kept telling myself that if x, y, or z happened, then I would know that it was bad or that my eating disorder had gotten out of control. But x, y, and z never happened. Sure, I had a multitude of other symptoms, but the voice of my eating disorder was strong in my head and convinced me that it was enough to seek more help and that the symptoms were good signs or not a red flag.
Today, I am more at peace. I am grateful for the experiences that I have had throughout my ED. These experiences have taught me so much, allowed me to grow and learn, empathize better, discover more about myself, listen to my body and desires, honor them, accept my emotions, and handle situations with less anxiety and frustration. I was so blessed with people like my therapists, RD, and friends that I met in treatment, as well as many, many others, who continue to support me in my journey towards recovery. God has allowed me to have multiple victories, rather than being infinitely stuck in a potentially fatal disease.There are probably an endless amount of words that I could say regarding EDs, treatment, therapy, recovery, how I was doing prior, how I still don't get it right and have progress to make, how this disease is terrible, and how grateful I am for the journey that I have been on thus far. I don't think most people understand eating disorders, and that is okay with me because I don't believe you can ever fully understand it unless you have been me, and even then, you would only have my perspective, not the millions of others who suffer from eating disorders (often also in silence). What I ask for instead of understanding is acceptance. Accept me for where I was, where I am, and encourage me for where I am going. It can get better and I know and believe that wholeheartedly for myself and others afflicted with EDs. Accept those who are struggling and recognize that you won't understand, and that is okay. Offer help, ask how you can support, and be willing to listen and have hard conversations.
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| Images from the YouVersion Bible App |
Thankfully, these days, I am doing mostly well. I have a lot of people on my support team who spur me on in various ways, which I am so grateful for. Life is changing. I feel like I am a completely different person than I have been for the past few years. Best of all, is what is happening in the here and now and what will occur in the future to support and aid my recovery even more. The hope is that one day I will be able to realize that I haven't thought about my eating disorder in a long time, which would signal recovery to me. I desperately also hope that there would be greater awareness, education, and prevention around this issue, and that stigmatization, silence, and shame would decrease so that people can get the help that they need without feeling invalidated or unable to receive adequate help.
Of course, endless thanks go to folks like my husband and two best friends, R & R, for their continual encouragement, support, love, care, an abundance of other helpful qualities, and celebrating my successes.
I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.
I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every person in the world.
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