Daring to be Vulnerable
Dare.
Vulnerability
Shame.
Silence.
Resilience
Own your story.
Judgment.
Belonging.
Being.
Barely surviving is not living.
The Critic who counts
Normalcy and fear
It's about the album, not the picture.
My story is not unlike others'. Many people struggle with the idea of vulnerability and opening up regarding shame, their past, decisions, or other areas of life. Often, we are closed to the idea of vulnerability for fear of the potential judgment, shame, and silence that can accompany it.
The thought of opening up, being vulnerable, showing up, being seen, and letting others into my stories can rightfully be terrifying. However, as I journalled my way through Brené Brown's "Daring Greatly," I was hit with some hard truths.
Today, with it being the first anniversary of discharging from my residential treatment center for my eating disorder, I am feeling particularly open and wanting to share some of my thoughts, my story, and some of the wisdom that I have gained through Brown's work, as well as other people in my life who have enlightened me along this journey.
Brown said that one of the myths regarding vulnerability is that vulnerability is seen as weakness. Funny, because I remember thinking and believing the exact same thing. In college, my Resident Director, MC, and one of my coworkers, Nathan, taught me a new definition of vulnerability that I had never heard before and how vulnerability is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. Brown went on to say that if we believe that vulnerability is weakness, we subsequently believe that feeling is weakness. She said that vulnerability gives purpose and meaning to life and that it can birth the craved emotions in our lives, too. If we believe that vulnerability and feeling are weaknesses, we chalk ourselves up to failures time after time, but this is not accurate.
Someone described vulnerability as when moving forward and going back are equally scary. Throughout my year post-discharge, I can say that there have been a few moments like this for me. I am extremely grateful for those who support me and are on my team and I know without the solid platform that was built during my time in treatment, I would feel afraid more often.
So why am I speaking out now? Eating disorders are nasty. Often, EDs either get no recognition or are discussed in a joking matter. These matters and the people that are affected by them deserve to be talked about. Brown pointed out that shame is hard, but that it is not as dangerous as silence and that speaking about shame will allow it to wither. We all have shame, we are all afraid to talk about it, and the less we talk about it, the more control it has. Shame has been positively correlated with addictions, violence, depression, aggression, bullying, and surprise, eating disorders. Talk about motivation to being vulnerable.
Regarding resiliency, I know that I am in the fight and I am in the fight daily, more like moment to moment. I'm not the only one in the fight either. I am showing up and being courageous. Courage is the light out of shame. It is difficult, but my story, my past, and my eating disorder don't make up my worth. My eating disorder is a part of my story, but it doesn't define me. As Brown said, "If you own the story, you get to write the end" and narrate. If, however, you bury the story, the story owns you, and you remain a subject of the story ad almost belong to it, similar to a sense of losing control, which was a prominent thought and feeling I prior to and during treatment.
The power of community and connection has been truly beneficial in the past year. From the people who were on my support team all along, the wonderful women that I met in treatment, and the amazing support that I have found online have all been fundamental in keeping me healthy, both physically and mentally. The power of non-judgement, empathy, compassion, and connection have been wonderful. Empathy says, "me too," "I know what that is like," and "I can relate." The ability to have the space to share and the accountability have been helpful and I love the support that comes within our groups. The "you are not alone" statements are powerful.
Of course, there are still many areas that I have room to improve on. What I limitedly do is better than what I don't do, to pay attention and accept feedback only from those who are ALSO in the arena fighting (referencing Theodore Roosevelt). and that my worthiness does not require any prerequisites. Finally, it is not the snapshot or picture that matters as part of my story, it is the album as a whole that counts.
VulnerabilityShame.
Silence.
Resilience
Own your story.
Judgment.
Belonging.
Being.
Barely surviving is not living.
The Critic who counts
Normalcy and fear
It's about the album, not the picture.
My story is not unlike others'. Many people struggle with the idea of vulnerability and opening up regarding shame, their past, decisions, or other areas of life. Often, we are closed to the idea of vulnerability for fear of the potential judgment, shame, and silence that can accompany it.
The thought of opening up, being vulnerable, showing up, being seen, and letting others into my stories can rightfully be terrifying. However, as I journalled my way through Brené Brown's "Daring Greatly," I was hit with some hard truths.
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| Image from Penquin Random House |
Brown said that one of the myths regarding vulnerability is that vulnerability is seen as weakness. Funny, because I remember thinking and believing the exact same thing. In college, my Resident Director, MC, and one of my coworkers, Nathan, taught me a new definition of vulnerability that I had never heard before and how vulnerability is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. Brown went on to say that if we believe that vulnerability is weakness, we subsequently believe that feeling is weakness. She said that vulnerability gives purpose and meaning to life and that it can birth the craved emotions in our lives, too. If we believe that vulnerability and feeling are weaknesses, we chalk ourselves up to failures time after time, but this is not accurate.
Someone described vulnerability as when moving forward and going back are equally scary. Throughout my year post-discharge, I can say that there have been a few moments like this for me. I am extremely grateful for those who support me and are on my team and I know without the solid platform that was built during my time in treatment, I would feel afraid more often.
So why am I speaking out now? Eating disorders are nasty. Often, EDs either get no recognition or are discussed in a joking matter. These matters and the people that are affected by them deserve to be talked about. Brown pointed out that shame is hard, but that it is not as dangerous as silence and that speaking about shame will allow it to wither. We all have shame, we are all afraid to talk about it, and the less we talk about it, the more control it has. Shame has been positively correlated with addictions, violence, depression, aggression, bullying, and surprise, eating disorders. Talk about motivation to being vulnerable.
Regarding resiliency, I know that I am in the fight and I am in the fight daily, more like moment to moment. I'm not the only one in the fight either. I am showing up and being courageous. Courage is the light out of shame. It is difficult, but my story, my past, and my eating disorder don't make up my worth. My eating disorder is a part of my story, but it doesn't define me. As Brown said, "If you own the story, you get to write the end" and narrate. If, however, you bury the story, the story owns you, and you remain a subject of the story ad almost belong to it, similar to a sense of losing control, which was a prominent thought and feeling I prior to and during treatment.
The power of community and connection has been truly beneficial in the past year. From the people who were on my support team all along, the wonderful women that I met in treatment, and the amazing support that I have found online have all been fundamental in keeping me healthy, both physically and mentally. The power of non-judgement, empathy, compassion, and connection have been wonderful. Empathy says, "me too," "I know what that is like," and "I can relate." The ability to have the space to share and the accountability have been helpful and I love the support that comes within our groups. The "you are not alone" statements are powerful.
Of course, there are still many areas that I have room to improve on. What I limitedly do is better than what I don't do, to pay attention and accept feedback only from those who are ALSO in the arena fighting (referencing Theodore Roosevelt). and that my worthiness does not require any prerequisites. Finally, it is not the snapshot or picture that matters as part of my story, it is the album as a whole that counts.
I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.
I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every person in the world.
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