Made to Mother
I've known since I was two years old that I was supposed to be a mom when I grew up. Having a brother almost three years younger than me was so exciting. I was over the moon caring for him, helping him and my parents, and being his friend. He has always one of the greatest loves and joys of my life and has inspired me to parent.
The amount of love that I have for Quin is ridiculous compared to many sibling groups. I love that guy incredibly. We have pictures of me around two or three years old pretending to be pregnant, and embarrassingly enough, a video of my "nursing" my dolls at age four. Seeing my mom pregnant and then having this beautiful new baby were things that I always aspired to be and have throughout my life.
While I was growing up, I never knew what I wanted to be or do when I grew up besides being a mom. Many people criticized me for wanting to be a stay at home mom. In high school, I got told that I would be "wasting my brain" and a teacher called me a "gold digger." I thought the people who said these things were crazy; I wasn't going after a man just because he might be rich and I definitely wasn't going to be wasting my brain-- I love learning and it is one of my biggest passions.
Now, as a married woman, I'm actually not ready to have my own children yet. However, I am very interested in possibly having a foster child or children. I have always loved kids and I feel a special attachment to those who are left alone, by the wayside, excluded, left out, and hurt. Today, in therapy, something clicked. My therapist and I were discussing an aspect of my upbringing that was difficult regarding my mom. These instances made me feel inadequate, "less than," and as if I was doing something wrong, when in actuality, I was not. I was working on my independence, didn't know better, or doing my best to be obedient to the task at hand that was delivered to me by a parent, someone who is supposed to be loving and caring unconditionally.
My therapist said that I have an opportunity to heal the inner child in me by providing love, warmth, acceptance, and instruction to the potential child or children that may be placed in our home. I understood that, but it didn't really resonate with me. Of course I could love the child in my home and parent them while they were with us, but I didn't see how it would help myself or my situation that happened years back.
But then suddenly, it registered with me. I knew I was made to mother. All along, that was my goal, task, dream, and desire, but now, I have someone new to mother. I realized that I need to "mom" myself to heal from past wounds and scars of inadequacy and feelings of disobedience. Being gentle and softer towards myself feels freeing in the limited amount that I already experience, and I can't wait to see how much more peace it brings when I am kind and treat myself how I would treat a child. The smoother that I am at making these transitions now, the better equipped I will be to handle myself, or a child, in the future.
I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.
The amount of love that I have for Quin is ridiculous compared to many sibling groups. I love that guy incredibly. We have pictures of me around two or three years old pretending to be pregnant, and embarrassingly enough, a video of my "nursing" my dolls at age four. Seeing my mom pregnant and then having this beautiful new baby were things that I always aspired to be and have throughout my life.
While I was growing up, I never knew what I wanted to be or do when I grew up besides being a mom. Many people criticized me for wanting to be a stay at home mom. In high school, I got told that I would be "wasting my brain" and a teacher called me a "gold digger." I thought the people who said these things were crazy; I wasn't going after a man just because he might be rich and I definitely wasn't going to be wasting my brain-- I love learning and it is one of my biggest passions.
Now, as a married woman, I'm actually not ready to have my own children yet. However, I am very interested in possibly having a foster child or children. I have always loved kids and I feel a special attachment to those who are left alone, by the wayside, excluded, left out, and hurt. Today, in therapy, something clicked. My therapist and I were discussing an aspect of my upbringing that was difficult regarding my mom. These instances made me feel inadequate, "less than," and as if I was doing something wrong, when in actuality, I was not. I was working on my independence, didn't know better, or doing my best to be obedient to the task at hand that was delivered to me by a parent, someone who is supposed to be loving and caring unconditionally.
My therapist said that I have an opportunity to heal the inner child in me by providing love, warmth, acceptance, and instruction to the potential child or children that may be placed in our home. I understood that, but it didn't really resonate with me. Of course I could love the child in my home and parent them while they were with us, but I didn't see how it would help myself or my situation that happened years back.
But then suddenly, it registered with me. I knew I was made to mother. All along, that was my goal, task, dream, and desire, but now, I have someone new to mother. I realized that I need to "mom" myself to heal from past wounds and scars of inadequacy and feelings of disobedience. Being gentle and softer towards myself feels freeing in the limited amount that I already experience, and I can't wait to see how much more peace it brings when I am kind and treat myself how I would treat a child. The smoother that I am at making these transitions now, the better equipped I will be to handle myself, or a child, in the future.
I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.
I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every person in the world.
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