How working in SPED has helped me

     As you may recall, I work in a special education program at the middle school level. I adore the students that I get to work with and feel blessed to spend my days with them at such a fun job. As terrified as I was to begin my time in SPED, I am grateful for how it has worked out (thank you, God!). I am pleased with the students I interact with, how I can assist and watch them develop, and how I have gained skills and insights from this position.
     Recently, I just thought of how working in SPED has made me more compassionate. The specific example that I am thinking of involves one of my siblings. This particular sibling has physical and mental disorders, as well as a past history of abuse and misuse of both illicit and prescription drugs. As she was explaining something to me and wishing she could do things better, I reacted in such a way indicating that her best was just fine and that it is great to try harder, but also to not place too much pressure on herself. I wish I could take the advice that I give out and apply it to myself, but that is something that I continue to struggle with.
     Then I went to a choir concert that the middle school had. Three of my kiddos from the special ed classroom were in this concert and I went to support them. One student said if I went, "it would make my day," so of course, I wanted to go. Initially, I was going to support their choral efforts, say hello, make an appearance, let them know that they are cared about, yada yada yada. But midway through the performance, on of the girls who I thought was supposed to be on the stage singing came walking right by me. I asked what she was doing and why she was not on the stage. She told me, and I got to be there to comfort her. I asked what she needed and if there was anything that I could do.
     As the night went on, she told me twice that she thought the choir teacher was going to fail her for not being in the performance. I reassured her that no, the teacher would not fail her; this was only a portion of her grade for the entire trimester, not what the grade rested on. I told her that the teacher would understand and be able to sympathize with her regarding why she was not able to perform at the time.

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     I realized that I am great at comforting other people, telling them truth, and being gentler toward them, however, I rarely apply these measures to myself. Consistently, I berate myself, put myself down, tell myself how I don't measure up or aren't good enough. I struggle with this on the daily, usually more than once a day. While it has been encouraged to me to practice self-compassion and be kinder to myself, I have a really difficult time with the concept. I don't want to go "too easy" on myself and then not perform well. I feel that God wants me to always do my best, so why aim for less than that or lower my standards? At the same time, I feel conflicted because I don't think Jesus wants me to harm myself in the middle of doing His work and I also know that He gently whispers to me that there is no need to strive because His love covers all that I am and all that I need, with no regard to who I am or what I do or do not do. His grace is enough.

I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.

I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every person in the world.