Separating From Ed

     Here is a list of some of the lies that I need to stop telling myself and believing. Ed is very deceitful, and unless I remember his wickedness, I all too often fall into his traps. I hope this may encourage someone else as they begin to realize Ed's lies and cruel ways. I'm not pretty enough I'm not thin enough I'm not the right shape I'm not the right size (is there such a thing?) Ed makes me healthy (biggest lie!) Ed helps me  I don't mind not eating what other people eat I feel in control (lie- Ed is in control right now) I am healthy ______ food is healthy ______ food is not healthy ______ food is good/bad Food should be used as fuel (true, but should not be taken to the extreme) I HAVE to exercise I will get fat I am fat I don't mind Ed I am treating myself right What is correct for most people, is right for me (I am individual and not everything applies to me that works for majority of people!) Ed is telling me the truth ...

     For as long as I can remember, I have always felt awkward receiving presents. I can recall being three years old and getting embarrassed when I received a doctor's kit for Christmas one year. Maybe I felt somewhat afraid or ashamed (the issues revolving around doctors are for another day), but I remember trying to give my brother the present and my parents said that it was actually meant for me. Image from Pinterest      Last Christmas, my in-laws gave me seven presents. That's right, SEVEN. I'm not even their kid! Coming from a family where my parents would typically give around 3 presents, I was blown away. Who has the kind of money to do that? Answer is: my in-laws kicked us off of their phone plan (which we were paying our agreed upon amount for) the month before, so I guess that is where the money "came from," which is a whole other topic.      Receiving so many gifts in itself was overwhelming. I was not prepared for that man...

     I have been thinking and toying with the idea of "grieving" the loss of my eating disorder for some time now. I have been curious about the idea, but hadn't really looked into it much.      With my coaching job over now and having extra time, plus having today completely to myself, I have been realizing how I haven't made recovery a priority lately, and how I feel that I should and need to make it a priority. With that in mind, I decided to read multiple articles today on grieving the loss of eating disorders. Tonight, I decided that I needed to finally buckle down, sit with myself and my thoughts, and attempt to fully experience the loss of losing Ed.      One thing is for sure, recovery is different for everyone and that means that grief and loss are individual. Another certainity is that recovery is non-linear and can involve steps both forward and backwards. The same can be said about grieving. Here is majority of my grief statem...

        I absolutely can not fight Ed on my own and win. It would be foolish to think that I could, when in reality, I would fall flat on my face and honestly, I may not be here. I have come to realize that if I examine and reframe my/Ed's thoughts to be ones of how I would treat someone else or how Jesus would treat me, I have a more gentle approach towards myself.      I am also trying to reframe my ideas around specific food items. As someone who LOVES to give advice when it is warranted and requested, I have begun to try to reframe my thoughts and ideas about food. I have started to ask myself if the lies that Ed tells me about a certain food (______ will make you _____, ________ is a treat and you don't ______ it, or the like) are the truth and if I would in good conscience share that advice with someone else. As someone who cares (maybe too much) about people in general and as a Christian with a strong moral compass, I would never intentional...

     Back in August I made a post titled " What Not to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder ." After thinking about it and wanting to write this post for a while, I am sharing now what I DO want to hear, and sometimes need to hear while fighting my eating disorder.      Sometimes I may know things in my head, but not truly believe them or give myself permission to do them unless someone else says it to me. From a logical, non-ED viewpoint, this seems silly. I should believe myself, but often, I don't. I struggle with what is true and not true, with what is right or wrong, what I should do or shouldn't do. While the list of things that I don't want to hear seems fairly large (and could probably be infinite), the list of things that I do want to hear feels relatively short. You are doing what is right Is this what you need to be well/healthy? How can I support you? I want to help. How can I? Hang in there Do what you need to be well I always wan...