Separating From Ed

Thinness ≠ Fitness Most people don't know this. I hid it well, I was ashamed. I was truly scared, I didn't know how to do what I knew that I had to do. I tried to reach out for help and sometimes got told to "relax," "keep things in perspective," that I didn't have to worry, and that it seemed like everything was going great or well. I have lived with an eating disorder for the past four years. I would never wish this on anyone. Recovery is hard work, but I am up for the challenge. I thought I could get the help I needed from myself and an outpatient team, but that just wasn't the case. If I had stayed on this track, I would have ended up continuing my eating disorder for who knows how long, possibly indefinitely. Eating disorders are nasty, and no, I didn't choose to have an eating disorder, just like no person chooses to have cancer, a body part that doesn't function, or a stroke. Eating disorders are an illness and should be treated ...

*This post contains strong language that is atypical to my blog.      Sara, Megan, Hayley, Rylee, Alix, Brayenna, Sabrina, Kourtney, Sara, Vanessa, Danielle, Autumn, Jazmin, Karina, Dalton, Brandon, Jacob, Cole, Trevor, Rachel, Cole, Sherri, Kaity, Devon, Zach, Jessica, Courtney, Alyssa, Bailey, and all of the others that enabled you, encouraged you, or didn't stop you, FUCK YOU.      You had a negative impact on my life. You screwed with me, messed with me, harmed me, bullied me, were rude, mean, and unkind. What did I ever do to you besides being nice? I don't understand why you bullied me. You had no good  reason to. Maybe you were jealous, or maybe that's what you experienced at home, or maybe you were so consumed with yourself and how to make yourself seem better that you picked on the vulnerable, the ugly, the nice, and easy targets. Perhaps you were just purely mean, and I believe that some of you s...

     "That makes a [person] vulnerable, when the stories they are telling are their own stories." - Suzanne Stabile      I have been listening to a lot of podcasts recently. The quote above is from "The Road Back to You: Looking at Life Through the Lens of the Enneagram" with Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile. Suzanne is speaking to Nadia Bolz-Weber in episode 4 of the podcast. I think this is a beautiful statement because it does make someone vulnerable, open to questions, comments, and even attacks, when the stories that they are sharing are ones that are true to them.      Similarly, I have been listening to Br en é Brown talk on vulnerability, and these two things just happen to coincide with listening to another podcast, "Better Days" by Wesley Towne. Wesley said, "Some of us are exhausted and weary and burdened because we believed the lie of perfectionism and God would tell us today, 'You can stop striving. You can find rest in me.' We do...

Photos from Amazon      While there are many aspects of residential treatment that I really liked and enjoyed, including individual counseling, group sessions, crazy games of Quelf, walks, so much sunshine, great talks with staff and peers, encouragement, reading good books, like Intuitive Eating , laughing and singing quite often, restaurant outings, "field trips" to get lab work done, hilarious conversations, and lots of funny videos, I have realized that a lot of what I truly enjoyed about my time in treatment was the fact that I was cared for around the clock.  The nurses, counselors, therapists, dietitian, psychiatrist, and medical doctor all took a great deal of effort and time to make sure that I was properly taken care of. Of course there were aspects of living in treatment that I didn't like, such as the inconsistency of rules, people getting away with things that they should not have, and the rules that wouldn't bend, such as not being able to take a sh...

     "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.... do not let yourselves be burdened again...." Galatians 5:1      "It's 7 AM and I wake up to a warm house. It is comforting. I know that my husband is right next to me. I smile. We rub each others' backs. Our toddler comes into the room for snuggles. My life is full of joy and love. Most importantly, my life is full of peace because I am free from the eating disorder that trapped me in my early 20s. It robbed me of the peace that God was calling me to. I knew I had a problem, but I also knew I could break out of it. I rely on support when I need it, but most of the time I don't. I am strong and believe truly that my eating disorder is far behind me. Sometimes I have slip ups, but I know that I quickly move forward from them. I feel my feelings. I am generally healthy. I'm not so sick all of the time. I'm tired because of my toddler, not because of my eating disorder."      I wrote t...