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I'm worried.
Not like how I used to worry that I would get a disease, had to workout, or had to restrict.
Right now I'm worried that I will lose control. I'm concerned that I won't be able to stop myself from eating too much. I'm thinking about how I could "let" myself become unhealthy.
This past week, we were able to host my volleyball team over for dinner, and there were quite a bit of leftovers. I feel as though I "binged" on them, but I use that word loosely. I don't think I actually binged, but I definitely ate way more than I needed to or could have accounted for because the food was here, it was good, and it was free. I ended up feeling sick from being too full about three nights this past week, which is not a good feeling. Then, on top of that, I have all of these thoughts and feelings regarding my decisions.
I feel guilty, ashamed, and bad for making choices that led to me overeating and subsequently feeling ill. I feel like a failure and that I have lost control around food. But part of me is so proud of myself. I feel as though I have made such tremendous progress from where I used to be in my orthorexia and compulsive exercise that it is honestly amazing that I could allow myself to "overeat." It's hard. I'm torn. Half of me is incredibly in awe of where I am compared to where I was, and the other half of me is absolutely disgusted in myself. Ed keeps telling me that I am gross, fat, shouldn't have done this, and that my belly is way too big. My rational brain is telling me that I have come so far, have so much to be grateful for, and that I have/had a restrictive eating disorder for so long, that it is completely okay and even good to indulge in what tastes good in the moment.
I don't know. I'm torn. I feel like I need support. My counselor isn't very available at the moment, my dietitian won't write me back, my husband doesn't understand and tells me to eat in moderation, I don't talk about this with my family, my closest friends have been MIA lately, and I don't want to trigger my friends from treatment. I feel lost and confused. I haven't been able to process all of this lately due to being so busy with wrapping up the volleyball season. My hope is that through writing these things down here, I will be able to have more peace and come to terms with it.
The phrase that is sticking out in my mind right now is "Wise mind accepts." I am hoping that I can keep this in perspective. I know that rationally, I am doing well, but my emotional mind is spinning. I feel conflicted. I know that things that I/Ed/the world care about, such as the actual number on the scale, won't really be afflicted by over or undereating because my body is very intelligent and can regulate itself well to get back to its set point, which I am finding is probably at a much healthier level than what it used to be. For sure, my mental state around food has drastically improved, but I know that I still have a ways to go.
As my friend E said yesterday, reaching out for support is a great first step.
I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.
Not like how I used to worry that I would get a disease, had to workout, or had to restrict.
Right now I'm worried that I will lose control. I'm concerned that I won't be able to stop myself from eating too much. I'm thinking about how I could "let" myself become unhealthy.
This past week, we were able to host my volleyball team over for dinner, and there were quite a bit of leftovers. I feel as though I "binged" on them, but I use that word loosely. I don't think I actually binged, but I definitely ate way more than I needed to or could have accounted for because the food was here, it was good, and it was free. I ended up feeling sick from being too full about three nights this past week, which is not a good feeling. Then, on top of that, I have all of these thoughts and feelings regarding my decisions.
I feel guilty, ashamed, and bad for making choices that led to me overeating and subsequently feeling ill. I feel like a failure and that I have lost control around food. But part of me is so proud of myself. I feel as though I have made such tremendous progress from where I used to be in my orthorexia and compulsive exercise that it is honestly amazing that I could allow myself to "overeat." It's hard. I'm torn. Half of me is incredibly in awe of where I am compared to where I was, and the other half of me is absolutely disgusted in myself. Ed keeps telling me that I am gross, fat, shouldn't have done this, and that my belly is way too big. My rational brain is telling me that I have come so far, have so much to be grateful for, and that I have/had a restrictive eating disorder for so long, that it is completely okay and even good to indulge in what tastes good in the moment.
I don't know. I'm torn. I feel like I need support. My counselor isn't very available at the moment, my dietitian won't write me back, my husband doesn't understand and tells me to eat in moderation, I don't talk about this with my family, my closest friends have been MIA lately, and I don't want to trigger my friends from treatment. I feel lost and confused. I haven't been able to process all of this lately due to being so busy with wrapping up the volleyball season. My hope is that through writing these things down here, I will be able to have more peace and come to terms with it.
The phrase that is sticking out in my mind right now is "Wise mind accepts." I am hoping that I can keep this in perspective. I know that rationally, I am doing well, but my emotional mind is spinning. I feel conflicted. I know that things that I/Ed/the world care about, such as the actual number on the scale, won't really be afflicted by over or undereating because my body is very intelligent and can regulate itself well to get back to its set point, which I am finding is probably at a much healthier level than what it used to be. For sure, my mental state around food has drastically improved, but I know that I still have a ways to go.
As my friend E said yesterday, reaching out for support is a great first step.
I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate you on how to live a more joyful, healthier, full life; one of hope.
I write about my fascination with whole foods, my love of Jesus, my struggles, my childhood stories, my passion for education, and my devotion to creating a healthy life (body, mind, and spirit) for every person in the world.
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