Separating From Ed

 Ugh. I have ate almost completely from my new, non-exchange, meal plan yesterday and today. I have actually "overate" both days. I feel so confused. Am I doing the right thing? Am I not? Am I overeating? Am I heading in the right direction? How will this impact my health? I am anxious. I think I am mostly anxious about grad school things right now, but the overeating is definitely nagging at me. I feel frustrated, upset, confused, irritated. It's been a night. My doctor today told me I could do some self testing, but my pharmacy is out of the equipment I need. It is frustrating!  Naming my feelings almost always helps. I did that. I sat with my feelings; I still am. I am being nonjudgmental towards them and recognizing that this will pass, but I am not actively trying to get rid of the feelings.  I felt so good earlier today. I saw my doctor, I did the meal plan, I ate a variety and play foods, I have asked for help, I have advocated for myself, yet, the school textbooks...

They said that I am semi-starved And what I'm doing is bad for my heart But I don't see it In fact, I'm aiming for the opposite I was ashamed about it On my own, it couldn't be defeated In my future, I'm concerned about diseases But right now this is not what I needed I never wanted this disorder, no Just like no person asks for a stroke Heart failure, diabetes, and GI diseases Yet, some how I feel massively depleted All of these many adverse events, But my main goal was to prevent I hurt myself, others, family, and friends Sometimes I wonder if this will ever end My mind, my social life and my sleep- All disrupted, I need peace But God's called me to it He'll bring me through it I need help from my treatment team When I feel I am walking on a balance beam I hurt, I'm scared, and I'm unsure But with your help, I'll be secure I started this blog as a memoir to share some of my life stories with you. My goal is that these encourage and educate...

     I seriously feel sucky. I feel pain, betrayal, hurt, disappointed, and upset. I question what I have done to be received this way and why I am not connecting with other people. It hurts. It is like a major sting into my heart to not be accepted or appreciated. I don't get it. It is hard and conflicting. I just want to feel a connection or some bit of being wanted. I truly hurt. My feelings are coming up a lot today around this and I am sad.       I am trying to explore my feelings, name them, and be nonjudgmental, but it still hurts and it is still hard. I tried to workout in a healthy manner today and it was fine, but I don't think it really helped my mental or emotional state.             I want to be grateful and appreciate all of the other wonderful individuals I have in my life, which I am thankful for them, but I just wish that out of 51 other people on the same path, in the same program as me, that so...

       EDNOS, or eating disorder not otherwise specified, is a way to classify one's eating disorder when it does not fit into the other categories that exist within the DSMV. EDNOS is kind of an umbrella term that encompasses many ED behaviors. For those without diagnosable anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder, EDNOS can provide the framework for one to receive the treatment necessary by acknowledging that one does, actually, have an eating disorder, the disorder just does not happen to be any of the other three already mentioned.      For some, this diagnosis can be challenging to handle. Many may think of their disorder as not as valid, severe, or worthy of treatment when they receive this diagnosis. I know that I have related to these sentiments. However, I also know that this criteria exists for a reason. EDNOS is not some minor, or "lite," eating disorder. It is just as serious as any other eating disorder or condition. Rec...

     It's not just my story. It's not just your story. None of us are a single, isolated individual. We don't exist in a world where it is just you or only me. We live in a place where life involves crossing paths, meeting, change, and dynamic possibilities. Our worlds collide in beautiful, God-ordained ways. We intertwine, mix, mingle, and influence one another. When we talk or get together, we impact each other. Made with the YouVersion Bible app      There's no way this is just my story. You see, my story involves so many others. To claim my life as completely my own or solely belonging to me, I forget that those closest to me, and even those that seem to be far away, distant, or opposite me, had a profound effect on me, my life, and my story.      The concept is simple. I am not a entity on my own. I am the product of those who made me, those who raised me, those who taught me, grew up with me, befriended me, pushed me, challenged me, and...